Just Annoyed

hi friends, I am feeling frustrated tonight.Every day somebody calls here and when the answering machine comes on there is silence.Oh my god can I just say how god-damn annoying that is.It has gotten to the point where I do'nt even bother answering the phone anymore.I'm really hoping my loser father is'nt behind those calls.Frankly I would'nt be surprised because he does'nt have much of a life , but he is'nt supposed to have my number here inless my brother Derek blabbed it to him once, sigh ............My friend Debbi who was once my best friend used to do that though.I never answered my phone when I lived in Pacifica because of my dad who crank -called me all the time .But Debbi admitted she would hang up when the answering machine came on instead of leaving me a message.It really annoyed me that she did that.It does'nt take much effort to leave someone a message but I guess she just did'nt want to bother.I think since she moved our friendship has changed and not for the better.I suspect she has made a new gaggle of friends and I must say It hurts !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I've been discarded like a paper cup thrown in a garbage can.But hey I guess that's her choice.I ca'nt even begin to tell you all how it makes me feel though.I have issues with my self-esteem .I am so damn insecure sometimes it's not even funny.I know I need to work on that, but it stems from my childhood I think.I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a dad who could'nt be bothered to pay any attention to me as a kid and when he did pay attention to me he screamed harse words at me and hit me with a wire coathanger.I grew up to hate him and always use things were different.I was molested my my friends grandfather at 9, it was one of the most horrific experiences I ever went through.I wish I could stop thinking about that sometimes but it has become a part of me and I wish it was'nt sometimes.I grew up feeling like I was on the outside looking in, that my friends had better lives then me, thier dads loved them and would do anything they could to protect them.I always and still to this day feel like a nothing.I feel invisible sometimes if that makes any sense at all.I'll tell you all something about why I feel this way.About two years ago I was eating lunch in the mall where I work.And I had'nt eaten breakfast that morning so I was really hungry and I took too big of a bite of my cheeseburger and swallowed the bite and it stuck in my throat and I was choking and could'nt talk ! Would you believe that all the people that were sitting out in the Food Court stared at me like I was a circus attraction and not one person tried to help me when I saw I was choking ????? Unfuckingbelievable huh ? The bite of burger went down eventually and I got teary-eyed and walked off but I did see my life flash in front of my eyes for a minute there.I ca'nt help but wonder if a little kid would have been choking if everyone would have sat and stared as well ? People really disgust me sometimes !!!!!!!! Well that's it for tonight, I'm getting tired, thanks for listening to my rant, Love You All Lisa