Sunday, September 9, 2007

Feeling Depressed

 Hi everyone, I'm feeling a little down today, a good friend wrote an entry yesterday that hit home with me, made me go deep inside myself and remember how it felt growing up feeling second best as my dad's parents favored my two cousins Andrea and Christopher over me and my brothers.We were the forgotten ones on the holidays and graduations because my dad's parents were too busy attending all of Andrea and Christopher's events.I have always felt like a 5'th wheel in life, probably because of feeling second best all through life growing up.My dad favored my youngest brother over me and my other brother who is'nt in my life Anthony although Anthony was brave enough to call him on it, my youngest brother was smart and outgoing and funny.I was the kid who had A.D.D., the huge disappointment, the one who nobody had any hopes for, I have long accepted having A.D.D. but I feel in a way it has also been a curse in some ways too because I felt stupid growing up and I got the message that no matter what it did it would never be good enough.I feel in a way my grandparents ( my dad's mom and dad) favored my cousins over me and Anthony because they had no struggles in school like me, they were rich and privedged unlike us.It sucks big time being second best , feeling like you will never measure up but many times that is how I feel, Anthony was very hurt by my dad 's betrayal to him and I thought when he was in high school he experimented with drugs and started drinking to ease the hurt.His personality changed and he became an angry kid who was extremely handsome, it was sad to see, he distanced himself and we grew apart, I have'nt seen him in years, last I heard he got married and moved to Georgia.He has the number here but has never called.I have'nt talked to my dad in almost 6 years but I do'nt feel the need really.He always made me feel like crap and a failure.I could never measure up to his expectations and he could never accept me for me so why should I have to be someone other then myself to please him ? Being me is'nt easy sometimes but I try to be a good person and take the curveballs life throws at me.Thanks for listening, I Love You All Lisa XOXO


jckfrstross said...

you need to remember God doesn't make failures. You are not a failure or second class and i am sorry that your Grandparents made you feel that way. good for you in not speaking to them why bother if they can't or won't grow up. have a good week and thanks for letting me vent a little


nightmaremom said...

I'm so sorry that has happened to you.. no one deserves that treatment.. no one!  Please don't feel like a second fiddle..

imgr8phil said...

All right you!  Get out of the duldrums.  You just got back from having a great time in Vegas and here you are moping around.  You are too good and too nice of a person to be depressed all of your life.  Find fun things to do and make some friends to do them with.  Get out of that apartment.  Take care cutie.


emmi2sweet said...

Come on girlie ... snap out of it. I didn't always have the best childrhood but you have to be better then what you went through to be truly happy. Big hugs, Emmi

cuteallison1980 said...

Lisa.  We all have days we just don't feel very good about ourselves.  From what you have written I can see why you could be down at times.  It is up to you to get yourself out of this.  Happiness is within you, you just need to know how to find it.  Dig deep and push this negativity aside and find the positive things in your life that make you happy and concentrate on them.  Luv ya!


bojgill4375 said...

Sorry you are feeling down, not much fun is it? I feel like that happens in a lot of families. Sad thing is that they are the ones missing out! So sorry about your brother. Please do not beat yourself up over something that someone did to you. You are a caring and loving person! Hope you can not think about these things too often because they just make you sad. You, yourself know that you are a good person and that is what counts. There is no one else in the world like you... so that makes you unique!! Right? Now.. get out some of the CSI shows and get happy and let them be miserable being themselves! lol Hope you have a wonderful week. Blessings, Janie

magogos said...

Lisa, you know that people with ADD, and other Learning Disabilities, are usually brighter than most other kids, even though they may feel less smart. Your childhood was such a difficult one, with the adults you needed to to help and love you did so much the opposite. It enrages me that youir family treated you as "less than" when in reality you were and still are equal in all ways. I wish for you that someday you can see this. Love, Margo

emabecmar said...

there is nothing wrong with you to keep your family away. it's their loss. your beautiful, loving and caring and a dear friend. ((((((hugs))))))

toonguykc said...

Childhood is something we spend the rest of our lives trying to get past.  You're doing great!!


queeniemart said...

Oh Lisa...your dad is a are the sweetest person ON EARTH....i TOTALLY understand how you feel though and i am glad you dont stay down for just keep shining your light BRIGHT for the whole world to enjoy!

nay0114 said...

:crying: ((((LISA))))
I know exactly what you write. This is exactly how L.A feels right now. That nothing she will ever do will make her worthy in her fathers eyes or grandparents. I hate them so much for making her feel that way. Families should make you feel good about yourself and give you strength by standing behind you no matter what. I try to make things better, but in reality I can never undo the hurt they've already caused her and my other two children. My older children are already numb to the hurt.  Once those actions, words, decisions were made they can't be taken back. I'm so sorry to hear you still struggle with those feelings. Like I tell my children, they are awesome people. You are the sweetest most caring person. It's their loss not having you in their lives. I'm glad to have met you here and would miss you if you left.
Take care and Hugs, Chrissie

seraphoflove9001 said...

I know how you feel. I went through that as well. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way sweetie. Many hugs to you.

dca721 said...

Awww Lisa,
I'm sorry.
I think you are right to stay away from them.
All they do is bring you down, you don't need or DESERVE it.
YOU are the sweetest person.
I am not feeling good today and need to go and lay down.
Love you,

kamdghwmw said...

Life gives all curve balls, but I must say that you handle everything with grace. I do know how you feel.

siennastarr said...

Lisa.. I always felt like the odd man out too, but you know what?  It made me who I am today, and I think that's a very good thing.  I'm a pretty good person, with a caring and nurturing nature, and I genuinely care for people.  You are like that too.  Don't be so hard on yourself.. and try and quelch those memories.  Look at who you are today, not how they made you feel back then.  Today is what matters, my friend.. :)

Love you