Friday, November 3, 2006

Surviving Childhood Abuse

Hi friends, I'm doing something a little different tonight and writing an essay on the after effects of child abuse.I hope maybe I can reach out and make some of you feel a little less alone as I release these words.I send hugs to anybody who has also suffered abuse as a child.

My dad never wanted to be a father.I had always sensed this .He was always angry and mean from the minute I entered the world on April 10,th 1976.I never remember him in a good day.The yelling, the verbal insults which struck me like little bullets, I knew my life was far from normal.I could'nt understand my friends who had perfect houses and they had loving fathers who were loving towards thier mothers and showered thier families with love.I was sad as a child , my mom bless her heart was wonderful.She is such a good mom.She was good to me .I could'nt understand why my dad was never around for any of my birthday parties as a child but I learned too soon he had pretty much dismissed me from the beginning.In his eyes I was worthless, a mistake, a letdown.The fact I had A.D.D. was another matter.It made me unexceptable and not worthy of his time or attention.My mom was my mom and dad.She got me tutors and fought for me.My dad just turned his back and ignored me except to insult me and make fun of me.One of his favorite things to do to me as a child was to take my beloved stuffed dog who I named He-Dog and throw him up in the hall closet .I would cry and beg him to get He-Dog back but he just laughed at my tears and walked away.My mom was the one who would climb up on a chair and get him back for me.

I hated the way my dad treated me.I was his scape-goat.An easy target to pick on.I was always the subject of his jokes or riducule.I wanted to die , my mom was the one who always stuck up for me and yelled at his sorry ass.When I was 9 I was playing with my childhood friend Linda when her Grandfather talked me into going into his bedroom and put his hands down my pants and under my shirt.I was just so scared and so frightened .I told nobody of what happened. I buried the secret like a dog buries a bone in the backyard.I made up excuses from then on when Linda wanted to play with me.It was such a difficult thing to absorb.I felt more alone then ever.

I do feel a void sometimes in my life when I am in the store working and a daughter and a father come in and are laughing together and enjoying each other's company.I feel a stabbing pain in my chest and the pain is very , very real.I have tried to forgot my dad and move on with my life but I do think back all the time and it makes me sad.I ca'nt see things ever being good between us as long as I live.I truly feel so sad for anybody who has ever been abused or molested.It's a club that few would ever want to join or be a part of.Thank you for listening to me rant.I send big hugs and love to all of my awesome friends.I love you all for understanding me and loving me even though I am flawed but I promise I am a good person.Love You All Lisa XO

9 comments:

siennastarr said...

Lisa, honey, we are all flawed in our own ways.  Your father and my father should get together and go bowling or something.  They sound like one and the same.  My father died in October of 2002, so I guess he won't be doing any bowling.. not in this life.
I know of what you speak, Lisa.  Father's just don't realize the impression they make on their daughters.  Our fathers are the first men we have interactions with as females, and if it's a negative one, it follows us through life.. and into every relationship with the opposite sex, that we have.
The sexual abuse part, I never experienced, but the verbal, mental and physical that was dished out was quite enough.

Sorry this happened to you , Lisa.  There are far to many of us out there that have suffered some kind of abuse, be it physical, mental or sexual.  At any rate, it's just a horrible, horrible thing.

Bless you for telling your story.

Hugs and love

Jackie

imgr8phil said...

I can never understand what drives a father to abuse his daughter.  I would never in a million years abuse my daughter like that, then again I am not very much a part of her life because of my ex's choice.

I wish I was there giving you a big hug tonight because you obviously need it.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserved to be loved.  You are very special and I have grown to care about you a great deal.  I will always be here for you.  You can count on me as your friend as long as you want me in your life.

By the way do you still have He-Dog?

Take care and have a nice weekend beautiful.  Luv ya!

Phil

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

Hugs my friend!  I feel so bad for you!  YOur are such a wonderful person...I can not understand why anyone would want to hurt you!  Big hugs friend!  TerryAnn

lindapaterson177 said...

Lisa...you are unique in your own way as everyone is on this earth,it`s not easy being a child of abuse but it gives you an inner strengh to achieve things in life no matter how long it takes you, you`re a good person, please try and not let how your father made you feel affect you today, I know that it`s not an easy thing to do but show him how far you`ve come without him and what you have a achieved in your life. I`m sure that it`s more than you think! Take care honey.
bella xx

seraphoflove9001 said...

Oh Lisa....I too had been a "target" for my stepdad. I was 3 when my mom married him, and I never liked him. He was an alcoholic and would beat me and then started to sexualy abuse me. He verbally abused me as well. Hw would pick me up and throw me across rooms, and I would land on whatever was there. To this day, I'v forgiven him, but...I will NEVER ever forget what he has done to me. That I can not do. I can truly relate with you hon. Sending you big hugs {{{}}}
Lisa

queeniemart said...

Oh my sweet special friend.....if only i could magically appear with you as you read this and hug you....this is the most heartbreaking entry i have ever read and i know it was hard for you to write. Your father is a pathetic and unhappy person who hates HIMSELF and he projected this onto you, an innocent child and i do know what that did to you and continues to do to you.
I wish i could choke that SOB grandpa to death. How dare he take from you something that is supposed to be special for you.
when i went to counseling i was told that all my adult romantic relationships are driven by what my dad did to me....he never sexually abused me, no that honor goes to my uncle. But my dad cussed me and to this day i live in fear of him and his life long alcoholism. He is a good man but is so tortured he has almost ruined me too.
I would give anything if the both of us could love ourselves. You are SO lovable and such a precious, good friend to me.
lj

cottoncandi12306 said...

Lisa...  You are not alone.  As I was reading some of the comments that were left for you, I can see how not alone we really are.  I came from a very disfunctional family...  I have survived physical, sexual and emotional abuse..  I know that what I went through and what I witnessed has made me who I am today.  I have forgiven my Mother, and I do love her...  It is sad though.../  The whole time I was growing up, I was her favorite......  we are not close at all any more.  I know that it helps to get it out, that is what our journals are for...  feel free to let it out..
{{{hugs}}}
MaryAlice

chat2missie said...

Mine childhood didn't have the physical abuse, but I had to put up with mental abuse.  Never good enough at this, or that.  Could be prettier. Ya know what I mean.  I try so hard not to repeat that with Nicci.  Have a good week coming up.
Missie

heathermarie3073 said...

I'm so sorry that you had to live with a father like that.  I went through something very similar with my own father and was lucky (like you) to have an awesome mother who made up for it.  What struck me was at the end you mentioned how you'd see fathers and daughters come into your store and feeling pain over seeing how happy they are together.  There have been so many times that I have said to myself "why did I have to have a father that was so cruel to me and touched me where he should not have"  I often wish that I had, had a father who was like the ones you see on TV.  I have told my father in law that I wished that he was my father because he is so special to me and such a GREAT Dad.  Luckily I am at a point where I can say that I wouldn't want to change anything that happened in my past because all those experiences have made me into the person I am today.  I think because of what happened to us as kids we have become more sensitive, sympathetic and caring people.  I wouldn't want to live through it again, but I have to find something positive out of every experience.  And we can be thankful for great mothers. : )
xoxo, Heather