Hi friends, I'm doing something a little different tonight and writing an essay on the after effects of child abuse.I hope maybe I can reach out and make some of you feel a little less alone as I release these words.I send hugs to anybody who has also suffered abuse as a child.
My dad never wanted to be a father.I had always sensed this .He was always angry and mean from the minute I entered the world on April 10,th 1976.I never remember him in a good day.The yelling, the verbal insults which struck me like little bullets, I knew my life was far from normal.I could'nt understand my friends who had perfect houses and they had loving fathers who were loving towards thier mothers and showered thier families with love.I was sad as a child , my mom bless her heart was wonderful.She is such a good mom.She was good to me .I could'nt understand why my dad was never around for any of my birthday parties as a child but I learned too soon he had pretty much dismissed me from the beginning.In his eyes I was worthless, a mistake, a letdown.The fact I had A.D.D. was another matter.It made me unexceptable and not worthy of his time or attention.My mom was my mom and dad.She got me tutors and fought for me.My dad just turned his back and ignored me except to insult me and make fun of me.One of his favorite things to do to me as a child was to take my beloved stuffed dog who I named He-Dog and throw him up in the hall closet .I would cry and beg him to get He-Dog back but he just laughed at my tears and walked away.My mom was the one who would climb up on a chair and get him back for me.
I hated the way my dad treated me.I was his scape-goat.An easy target to pick on.I was always the subject of his jokes or riducule.I wanted to die , my mom was the one who always stuck up for me and yelled at his sorry ass.When I was 9 I was playing with my childhood friend Linda when her Grandfather talked me into going into his bedroom and put his hands down my pants and under my shirt.I was just so scared and so frightened .I told nobody of what happened. I buried the secret like a dog buries a bone in the backyard.I made up excuses from then on when Linda wanted to play with me.It was such a difficult thing to absorb.I felt more alone then ever.
I do feel a void sometimes in my life when I am in the store working and a daughter and a father come in and are laughing together and enjoying each other's company.I feel a stabbing pain in my chest and the pain is very , very real.I have tried to forgot my dad and move on with my life but I do think back all the time and it makes me sad.I ca'nt see things ever being good between us as long as I live.I truly feel so sad for anybody who has ever been abused or molested.It's a club that few would ever want to join or be a part of.Thank you for listening to me rant.I send big hugs and love to all of my awesome friends.I love you all for understanding me and loving me even though I am flawed but I promise I am a good person.Love You All Lisa XO