Thursday, April 6, 2006

Friday is almost here, thank god

hi everyone, the sun is out today! Feels good to see it, I was kind of forgetting what it looked like, lol. Today I got my cavity filled, the dentist gave me a mask over my face to calm my nerves and the sensation of the gas from the mask made me laugh, I felt really weird afterwards but now I feel a dull ache in my mouth where the cavity was filled.I am charging my digital camera's batteries right now so tommorow I am going to get a picture of Anthony with my camera.There is an episode of CSI on at 7:00 tonight on Spike TV which is a hard episode for me to watch but I always end up watching it anyway.The episode Burden of Proof in which the 12 year old girl Jodie was molested by her stepdad.Brings back painful memories for me as the same thing happened to me at 9 years old except it was my friend's grandfather who did it.Sometimes I wish I could erase the memory of that so much , but I know I will never forget that ever.It has become part of me , and part of me will never be the same because of that but also I have this inner strength sometimes that is overwhelming , which I got at an early age because of my childhood and the sense that I always had to look over my shoulder and worry about the next bullshit incident that was going to happen to me and my family because of my dad who was abusive to me and my family almost all of my life.The memories I have of a child are not great ones, I look at childhood photos of myself and no surprise in many of them I am not smiling, but I knew, even then, at 4, 5, 6, 7. Children can sense when thier lives are troubled and I used to envy people I knew who had it good growing up, whose fathers adored them and would do anything in the world to protect them because I never had that.I never had that sense of security or freedom that most of my friends had.I hid my bruises and scars and carried on somehow.My brother Tony aka Anthony I probably will never see again , he became really upset and bitter in his teen years and we were never really that close anyhow but he ended up like a feather that the wind carried far far away in it's swirls, last I heard he lives in Georgia, it pains me to think that all the pain and suffering my dad caused even made one of my blood siblings turn away from me.Do I feel worthless most of the time ? You bet the way I grew up I was never made to feel like I was important or I ever mattered, I became a human fly on the wall overlooked by all.My dad is a pathetic excuse for a person and I do'nt really care if I ever see him again.He somehow can live with everything he did and carry on with his life.It amazes me he can be so uncaring and cruel , he is able to fool his friends into having them think he is this great guy though Ha ! Bullshit !!!!!!!!!! I'll update again tommorow, Hugs Lisa


queeniemart said...

You do matter.....believe that. We have to be strong and make a good life for ourselves in spite of these men who have harmed us so deeply. Someday i believe you and your brother may find each other again. It takes time sometimes. I am glad you got the dentist visit over with! I understand how you feel about being abused and about the crappy childhood. We can only move forward every day!
Hugs,lisa jo

magogos said...

You are NOT worthless-you are a good woman with scars,and a lot to offer the world. It seems to me that if you act as if you are not important(and I don't know you well enough to know)you have let your abusive father win. It is not impossible that you may find your brother someday, and find out that he has turned into a good an. Margo